Deliberate ignorance to tantrums

Having worked with children for nearly 10 years, I have learnt that deliberate ignorance can be very helpful in getting a point across. It works when children throw a tantrum and demand my immediate attention.

I find that the fastest way to get them to stop throwing a tantrum is by ignoring it. Attended a Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) programme couple of years back and it also mentioned ignoring tantrums on purpose.

By ignoring the tantrum, the adult (teacher, guardian, parent, etc.) is giving out the message that tantrums do not get their way. Tantrums usually occur when children do not have things their own way and their only "reasonable" method of asserting their desire is by screaming, yelling, crying, kicking, etc.

To be honest, I enjoy watching children go into a tantrum fit. It happens more to children under 3 years old where they think they're the kings and queens of the world and everything belongs to them and should obey them.

When I meet a strong-willed child who demands or snatches a toy out of others' hands and would not take turns, I'd sit back, relax and let the child go into a fit. I don't know if you have ever watched a child throw a tantrum before - if you haven't, try it. It's quite amusing, but the initial few times could be difficult in restraining yourself from picking the child up and giving in.

When a child goes into a temper, nothing I say will get across. I'm also not inclined to fight a temper child, after being kicked a few times in my early years as a child care worker. So, I'll just make sure that there's nothing harmful in the child's way and let him/her kick his way and vent the frustrations. It is rather interesting watching them.

First, they cry and tears flow. They might kick viscously, depending on the nature of the child. Screaming and yelling is probably inevitable.

The second stage of the tantrum throwing involves more screaming and more kicks, with some tears. The child starts to look in the adult's direction to make sure that the adult is still looking.

The third stage comes the forced and fake tears, less screaming and kicking, probably running out of steam. This stage has the child making sure that the adult's watching before the screams come.

The final stage has the child sulking and ignoring people, sometimes deliberately hurting another child.

I go to the child at the sulking stage, give him/her a hug and talk to him/her why the demands were not met and that throwing a tantrum will not get him/her anywhere with me. Half the time, the child ignores me, but I know that the words I say sink in a lot more better than when I try to yell over their screaming voices.

The child might get into another tantrum another day over something, but it will not be as strong as the first tantrum, because he/she would know that no matter how long the tantrum lasts, I'll still not give in.

It's not that there is no room for negotiation for their demands, but that I'm teaching them to ask and wait for a response rather than scream and cry. I want them to say what they feel instead of throwing a tantrum. Children will also learn from a young age that not everything that they want will be given to them. It'll help them to be better communicators when they grow up. For children over 3 years old, I get them to tell me how they feel instead of sulking and yelling.

Children learn by example and it helps them to learn how to express themselves when adults can model good verbal communication by expressing their thoughts and feelings in proper words. No swearing.

Next time you meet a temper tantrum, try ignoring it and come back to talk about it. Love the person, but condone any bad behaviour. Sphere: Related Content